I only thought I knew what a resentment was until I came into the rooms of 12-step recovery.
The word alone defines itself. Having a problem or justified anger about a person, place or thing. Resenting someone or something. The act thereof.
If somebody steps on my toes in any way then they deserve for me to be upset with them.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought that resentments were at the core of my problems.
I noticed the fourth step on the wall of the meeting rooms for the first time and said “never gonna happen.”
The step alone says nothing about resentments. But anyone that has been to more than two meetings has heard the word used.
Google defines it as “bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.”
Sounded about right. Lots of people have done me wrong and I have every right to be upset about the things they did and self-righteously think bad thoughts about them.
I also have the right to let it ruin my mindset and put me in a bad mood while using it to justify lots of dumb decisions.
That’s exactly what I did and it made me miserable. And I didn’t even realize that it was one of the root causes highlighting my problems. I lived out the belief that one day I’ll get my revenge and feel better about myself. Assuming that all those people would feel guilty about my misguided feelings and emotions.
Stupid and naive aren’t even close to describing myself when it comes to the way I let resentments control my life.
Then I read in the basic text about how “To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got.”
Talk about a slap in the face! That was exactly what I had been doing my entire life. Then it went on to talk about how things just got worse because I was only thinking of myself and resentments lead to unhappiness. Another slap in the face.
Despite the fact that those thoughts and feelings were leading me down the path to a miserable life, I somehow got some comfort from them because it made me feel good that somebody owed me something. Somebody had done me wrong and I had a legitimate excuse to play the victim.
Suddenly an honest look at myself took away the only comfort that I had while I was using and drinking myself to death.
Free from anger was necessary? How does that work?
I watched people get angry everyday but somehow they were able to go home and play with their kids and kiss their wife. My only solution was to go to the liquor store or find somebody that had any kind of drug that would ease my mind. But it didn’t solve anything or take away the resentment, they just grew stronger.
I really needed these thoughts to go away. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for me. It’s a dubious luxury that I can’t afford.
Why didn’t I ever realize that? That’s actually an easy question to answer. Because I’m selfish, self-centered, egotistical, narcissistic and all those other words that mean I only think about myself.
I’m not the person who gets mad and then moves his mind to a different topic. I will absolutely let that stuff boil over to the point that it completely dominates my mind and the only temporary fix is introducing a foreign substance into my body.
But not anymore, I finally got honest with myself.
Today I don’t have to use a temporary fix anymore. I have a fix that works one day at a time if I simply use a few basic principles and stay honest with myself and those around me.
If anyone reading needs help with this, then feel free to send me a message.
Life gets better and it can get a TON better if you sincerely want it.